daydreams

recording of a fallen star

ghost of some other’s fortune.

the recording of a fallen star.

captured reflection reflected (neglected) ripple trick till the stomach’s sick. sliding high from the other side a self (not quite the self), lady in red (covered head), clucking from beneath her covering:

don’t go away stranger. stay a little longer, I’ve a daisy, another daisy twisted to crown and twirled tight around and begging beats for five-petal song. what are you doing with all this waiting, this tail-chasing, this mask-making? isn’t there some something-or-other called to uncover (discover), isn’t the sum some something-or-other, and you the only one with any math?

head shakes her shape away and if tongue were split I’d call beyond caw, summon sounds to draw moon to living room for midnight illumination. hunt for similar equations reveals heads turned into neighboring stations, blinking through bars at prisoners poisoned, and me translucent, cobweb hand, erasing all the almost i am.

still i waited (fated).

hallucinated.

armor-plated.

ghost of some other’s fortune.

the recording of a fallen star.

brown paper bag and purple crayon map, oh here’s another star and another, connected by three lines of triangle trick, location tagged throat-lump bagged, colored lines, colored confines. water-logged in winter showers doors locked and concrete blocked. just give me a minute, just one fucking minute. let me call the colors down.

scrying lump scanned by grandmother hands, handkerchief’d, initials stitched, there’s too much shouting (under the lines) escaped from triangle confines, there’s too much shouting and finger pointing and me hiding in the nowhere to hide. tucked into paper head into book there’s too much shouting too many voices each stumbling over another scrambling to surface, scratching for surface and there’s only one scratch to this paper one pen to trick one note to slip there’s only one message for this paper, all mine and passed through time.

asking a question that shouldn’t be asked – has anyone been witness? curse to break, hid from rage, too good at hiding, invisible cloak. too good at hiding, spell to be broke.

staring into nothing muttering some-something to counter the nothing to try again to try and blend to try and never the never-again.

outstretch paw to waiting claw and waiting caw slip into night under judging eyes and hope to be heard at once and again. song unsung, unsplit tongue.

reflected true and reflections of you, uncolored (covered) masked and detached. you never asked.

braided and fated (still I waited)

calling light in, illuminated.

moon colors (so revealing) what were you meaning?

small child’s song gone on too long

and yet I waited (fated)

still through it all I waited.

ghost of some other’s fortune.

the recording of a fallen star.

if this tongue were loving-crafted i’d summon you from distant blue, mouth ocean-filled and undistilled and only one survives the drowning. carcasses capturing the coast line one seal maggot-eyed blind. voice chasing waves away (this way) over the sky’s unstitched border against all orders and the sun spits salt in counter assault, wringing outcry dry. need to be wrung, eye of the sun, eye to the son. done.

sitting on the wire (expired) scavenger, carcass chaser, dark invader. tail fanned and plans unplanned diaphanous wings (no hands) pecking dumb at the lump sum. even black there’s no going back, one eye recording (hoarding) chorus shuddering from beneath my covering, map and math, there’s no going back. greatest fear (i was never here). never heard and never here.

ghost of some other’s fortune.

the recording of a fallen star.

decompressing (monday)

what crawls from the dregs of Britain’s stereophonic lab (room 39) to nest in my neighbor’s eardrum, banishing humdrum, basket flung, bald and irreplaceable in an instant?

color overwhelming, arriving in twisted hues to mixed reviews: scrawled and sprawled, flawed, flavored in the semen of Sunday.

no time to carve totems for this something-or-other in the animated awesome of outfit change.  child white-masked and ear-covered, me red-striped and white dancing demons to 4AM slumber. all before the cab ride and a discount earned from singing “landslide” just right before the day hit rewind and his head was soft exhausted.

dream one: ethereal hummingbird, translucent and pink-winged, nectar-seeking beak escapes light-mask, drinks of me. So that explains it. Introductory perception of faery confection.

This is my confession.

dream two: the moan to groan calls colors home, summons ancients crouched lion in reverse pyramids, spinning circles in micro-waves. they come towards the beacon blasted, the sore spot stinking of tree sap, to the tongue waterfall crawled sparing no fin no gills hunting for those blue-tinted and spider-eyed.

Do you remember me, like this?

and in this late night hour I milk old heartache from my sleeves and wonder why no one reads Elizabeth Smart when she’s among the few sensible enough to be hysterical, choked declarations of preferring dogs to children and corncobs to men. No one raided the farm land like she did. No one vacuumed the glamor from Grand Central and reduced it to assholes with speech impediments panhandling for fetuses they never showed to claim.

Straight jackets make terrible lovers.

Be a man already, you bowling ball.

I’ve been awake like this since Monday.

faery person pulling perfect shots from phantom machines to tiger stripe my eyes. I nod into caffeine foam oh yes oh yes om aum OHM this should brighten, it really should, and he watches me nod off right at the table and dream a gold tooth cigar-soaked laugh, coaxing naked forward. Oh yes. Oh yes.

waking aggravated, anxious, scratching at coming something, new sound escaping hidden hallway, new sound removing swords and trapping them in lakes. It just isn’t safe to swim anywhere these days.

and he swears he’s going to listen, and what does that mean? anchored to observation deck so long, how can he record me recording? monocle for bifocal, hearing aid for sonar. neither of us bats. this is a crow’s game.

always, the eye in your window.

reporting on the condition of being human (in america) to the home planet: September

some people are on to me

the crank-wanker at the bus stop who repeatedly asked for change, and didn’t understand when i explained i’ll have nothing to do with his campaign slogans. then he stared at me and stared at me and said “who are you?” and smelled my undercover, and luckily the 20 arrived exactly then.

pamphleteers with their prophets, ornery white and usually dead and likely unable to speak the important follow up question: “Can’t you take a joke?” she cornered me on burnside with her fat stack and drowned expression and little dog occupying a baby stroller and announced her own salvation. hidden gills tickled and i scratched while her lips cast calculations so i slithered before her math found my matrix.

merry wanderers who notice the stars in my eyes and the eyes all over my body, iris to iris with other eye-pods accurately detecting the skipping spinning of my soft insides. we greet in clicks and shake mitts and post walk-away the hooks remain.

still: most are not on to me.

television is very important here

when the hovering ships the US government assures have never been identified arrive, many will be glued to their televisions waiting for someone on the other side of the mystical talking box to confirm the testimony of their senses.

while the nail biting meat is sufficiently occupied, those who have electrostimulated their unmentionables will assume the lotus position and levitate for entry. don’t worry: the few witnesses will likely be written off by uncolorfuls as white-light purple-shroud finger-twirl-by-the-temple acid-popping sky-is-falling psychonauts, or rambling hyperactive unmedicated children in need of a time-out and an older, more glasses-wearing therapist. In the morning those uncolorfuls code crazy will simply be gone. Poof.

television is very important.

day jobs occupy time

this joke is at least as good as the one that begins with a prophet and some pamphlets. after taking out fake money from fake government to go to real school to memorize faulty theories, individuals work meaningless jobs they attended college to avoid to make barely enough fake money to return to the fake government. because they owe them.

captured: a reflection in a pool of water. only the water is real. i tell them. they don’t believe me.

so i tell them it’s television, and if what they’re watching is dull they can turn it off. they say, “what else would I do with my time?” I’m not sure how to answer this.

television is very important.

sound is a strange thing

some humans restrict the experience to ears and fail to activate the sensors sleeping in exposed hair follicles. a cello isn’t simply drunk in a eardrum, it runs a track up arms and over skull and wraps string tight around throat until eyes water mercy. voice isn’t simply a means of message delivery, it’s the creation of a heart egg perfect and warm before slow hatching. each individual accent scaling jagged cliff sides and rolling down green hills and coyote hopping fences and dumping tea in harbors and dipping into great lakes and crawling off pan handles eating hotcakes and collared greens. every cracking knee and whispered judgment and falling down laugh presses me closer to overwhelmed, tips the scales a single weight further into wow.

when my own voice hunts for sound escape, words chosen so each syllable enunciated matters, it’s then i notice how few spend time on the business of listening. No, not until they’re aware of some absence, only longing activates neglected drums and the instruments that accompany them, and only then do they open a little for the greater a-ha.

they’ll never hear us coming.

crows continue to be a nuisance

closest to angels are crows, the closest to flying humans are pigeons. mating of these two beings produces a dumb crow, wandering into the road head bobbing to earth pulse. stand by for the coming 18 wheeler. a fellow other-thing asks if that’s what i am under this exoskeleton – a dumb crow. Gabriel assures me there’s a compliment in there.

two on the wire, waiting. mated for life, nearly toppling the upper branches of a nearby tree with the volume of their night time roost.

they definitely are on to me. good thing no one is listening.

americans like to burn books

words are sacred, pressed into the offerings of trees and preserved for some period of time before they are boiled down to catch phrases and pressed into pamphlets. humans show disdain for one another by burning their favorite books and melting words away. these humans don’t know the internet exists and the books they are burning have already been scanned and are being actively distributed for free, as we speak, by THE GOOGLE. some are very upset by this development. now they’ll never burn all the copies. it’s book immortality, until the internets fail us, and free knowledge until a student loan is required for access.

other ways to know immortality

across the street from the bus stop a black woman wearing house shoes and a long flowing skirt and a pink sweatshirt walks a slow procession on the sidewalk, cradling a life-sized doll dressed as a bride on her big day. each step fluid and perfect, dedicated transient approaches with extended hand to inquire about contribution. the doll, not the woman, turns into the outstretched paw and offers the soliciting an answer.

this is better than television.

my ears tell me to turn up the sound. she has opted for immortality, to color pamphlets conjured around book-fed bonfires by those too afraid to say her name seven times in a pool of water.

i listen, and the doll tells me it’s love of death informing every waking action executed with an eye on the end. informing disrespect for the ocean, a need to hasten the apocalypse so all standing around can see the spectacle. not enough to color it black with oil, why not drip it in blue paint so children wander our terrified and Avatar dyed? why not speed our evolution with skin burnt red and eyes stone flat?

she keeps walking, on to something and way beyond me. and i remember: nothing carries sound like water.

still: they are not listening.

Two Crows, 2:36AM (1)

2:36AM

Two crows on the fence, waiting.

They tell me: Listen.

I do.

Listen harder.

Am I dreaming?

No.

Perfect.

Listen.

Fine.

Triple-lock the door.

I peak through the blinds. Two crows on the fence. Still waiting.

Caw.

Do humans turn crow as purgatory, trapped observing the living with their kind-of-a-funny-stories and toddlers tied to harnesses and watch-checking clip-cloppers stomping concrete carpets rolled out to welcome rigamortis? Do crows bring death? DEATH, not scare-the-shit-out-of-movie-goers Tarot Death, where the card is played heavy-rings slow and the actress screams her curlers free before bolting from a candle-farm table glittered with moons and stars to meet piano-to-head closed-casket FIN. Not even real Tarot Death, where the hummus is surprise expired, or a cell phone falls into toilet and spares a happy unemployed the salty sulk of job offer.

And, okay this had better not be the Big Done, I’ve only just stitched the golden eagle to my crest, I’ve only now unrolled my scroll beyond the first few lines to reveal the big a-ha. You creepy trash collectors burdening my bins, what are you waiting for? What are you ready for? What do you know?

Caw.

Will their stink of death render me gothy, prisoner of cliché adolescent silken moon POEtry, liquid black eyeliner streaking white-washed sun starved cheeks, costume coffin bookshelf dark magicians Latin names red and gold print jackets internal juke box Death in June black metal Jay-Z? Different just like everybody else, symbol to the air Ra-Ra, subversive just like everybody else (as above, so below) I’m a pirate I’m a fairy I’m a witch I’m a Tim Burton movie I’m a fucking black stain at the picnic. Look how well we all match at the funeral, parasol stars with corsets clamped. Not a spot of dust on the top hat.

They’re waiting for you, Crows, in the graveyard, by the angel statue that sometimes weeps. They’re waiting for both Thought and Memory. Come as a set, come as you are.

CAW.

Well dammit, shit, for God’s sake, can I still read Rumi with your feathers in my face? Do crows fancy dervishes, whirling God intoxicated holy holy on earthbound playgrounds? Do they fancy Freyja flickers like me, twirling hair feet in air, Loki robbed and revenge plotting, deeper in the well for better sword crafting? Do black eyes seek amber mine as you peak through the blinds, do your feathers want my fingers, have your claws pre-drawn portraits? How did you find me? Did Odin send you? Tell me: how did you find me?

Caw.

They follow me and my bike five miles over the river.

Caw.

They sit on the wire while I wait for the bus, listening to an elderly man with a handlebar moustache (I name him Frank as all old men are Frank) tell stories about Belize and Coast-a-Ree-Kah to an Asian man half-listening between iphone glances. Frank sips coffee from an uncovered mug, like he walked out of the kitchen knowing his status as World’s Greatest Dad needed announcing exactly today. Ha ha ha, sip, ha ha ha. Crows?

Caw (Listen, Descendant of Fenrir.)

Frank lowers his cup and a droplet drips from lip, the concrete BOOM drums awake my hidden fur-lined ear.

(Close your eyes.)

Eyes closed (hear first, look later, it would be too much). Ghosts, nursery rhymes trapped in sidewalk cracks, spirits hobgoblining life from the nearly-living, prism locked reflections two dimensioned in humid air, at once alert to open. Yes. I can hear you.

Holy wow how’s it going she can hear did you notice she could too rah loo skippity skip skip hey she never loved me get me out of hello hi are you still listening ha ha hooray good to –

Caw.

This is not the stuff of bus stops. I should be nude for this amniotic slip and slide, this running up the rabbit hole. Bus arrives  my eyes dart to wire, amber to black, black to amber.

We will follow you. Twenty pairs of two, each two speaking as one. Caw.

At the top of the hill we’ll be waiting. Whisper when you ask of crows. Remember to whisper.

“Ladies first,” Frank gestures to the bus door. World’s Greatest Dad.

Whisper when you ask of crows. We’ll be waiting. Whisper.

Caw.

Cut Up September

If there’s one thing Uncle Bill taught us, it’s to never number pages.

a shrinking device and a shirt pocket will make me warmer. so many hearts undocumented, unheard by my alien recording devices ever hunting for a human who purrs. .

Orange striped cat lying dead in the road, a ring of bowed heads willing life back into limp unrolled tongue. Woman in a doorway grateful it wasn’t her dog, waiting on the lawsuit. Pick up the cat Amanda, pick it up. This is important. You’ll remember this. Instead I keep staring. Some wonder crone finally stops and doesn’t blink just scoops and carries cat to a more peaceful traffic-free aria though it’s already ended.

This memory strong in my mind biking home I slam on the brakes at the site of flattened crow and peal body from the road for tree lawn decomposing while the dead’s friends look on, remembering.

We might not be dead at 30 like the pilgrims but we might as well be, sitting in our living rooms bitching between hotdog bites and commercial breaks about politicians and their decision making before returning to our regularly scheduled nothing-better-to-do, laughing at Asian teenagers falling off flotation devices into blue-dyed swimming pools while wearing helmets and throwing up both thumbs to an army of white-man cameras.

It’s to convince the most serial killer self that underneath the bullshit core there’s a miner 49 just waiting to strap on a hat and suit and stumble into the mine even before the canary’s come back.

Tiny pictures all over my desk an altar of irritation towards the word MOISTURE, simpering sulking word dragging faces into cow cud MOIS-TURE.

hand on thigh circles a birthmark threatening my theory of being spawned while the sun sets fast and I worry of winter. me pretending to look at passersby with their tiny white socks and duck shoes and khaki shorts while thinking about your hand, full poetry on display protruding veins I want to strum. eyes slide to the left and craft your profile onto my coin, hammered hard by life’s frustration but still sneaky enough to smirk. knuckle in mouth channels fake concentration while half-closed lids plot plans for my own hand that could end in arrest if I’m not careful. I adjust my leg to accommodate other parts of you imagined traveling softest hidden skin, drinking deep every finger curve crease line fingertip sun scorched wrist, and it’s the wrist where the rings of my own fingers click and coax your hand a naked inch higher.

In Portland things in a pink box are always donuts.

and someone is yelling at me through the phone about how you should be married by now with all this love in your face you ingrate, and I say which face on what head? and he says all of them and I hadn’t considered that.

you don’t notice how my prehistoric hands sculpt a keyboard or how important cuddle dissolve is to my ever-wrestled wrangling.

No: I’m a one-eyed liar blind to my thousand tricks trapping bodies in barbed wire until even intestines entangle. Even my open is pin from grenade. My only recipe blows up the room.

love (1)

The house will never be clean unless we can afford a maid service, and we’ll only eat when we both remember to (not often), and we’ll both pull away just when we achieve perfect closeness and you’ll accuse me of getting the wrong cat food on purpose and I’ll say you know that’s a sore spot of mine.  I’ll get lost in the bathroom mirror and you’ll wonder what’s taking so fucking long, and I’ll say I’ve finally pinpointed the location of my superior self and I’m negotiating her release. This used to be the sort of thing to intrigue you but now you’re yelling about us having tickets for something, can’t even remember what but they were a give away and I shout that I’ve nearly talked her down, she’s smiling from the other side, so serene about something I don’t understand but she’s whispering directions. Just one sharp left and then two right turns, knock-twice-pause-knock, and when I arrive I’ll be naked and every inch of me will be slippery.

And then you say: do we have to be late for everything?

Insomniacs

Oh lookity look, it’s you, delicious you, all sparkle-eyed smiling and up to no good and you’re wondering about coming in (of course) and sure it’s later than I thought it would be but when some come there’s no thoughts of sleeping (and lately I’m never sleeping) and the interruption of nothing with something is sigh and smile and relief. Head and heart operate in full agreement that star chart spells churn from waking fingers, which means sleep has to go, and since when did it need more of me than three?

you say tonight you’ve been wandering too long with nowhere to go, thinking to follow bliss before the script flipped and your star was left stone suffocated. then you tracked the moon on the hunt for her tail or at least some uncharted chunk of cheese debris, and after circling and wandering there was nothing but midnight then more walking and head-scratching and suddenly me. Sounds alright. Half-asleep, restless, brain gurgeldy-blurgey, can’t think of a better blather banterer than me.

in this dumb we say everything obvious, these are fingers my fingers your fingers twenty fingers, these are your eyes my eyes twenty eyes between us. We draw new constellations from leg bruises, you ask questions about angry faeries and phantoms with poor communication skills and worry that I really want to marry you. I tell you no one ever says what they mean, and when they do the listener never believes them, and that’s why the knot in my throat is coal-to-diamond and resurfaces no matter the mining.

And no, I don’t want to marry you.

All around us a chorus of spirits dance and exchange wise cracks and high-fives and drunken obscene gestures, all flicking tongues and crossed eyes and uncovered erections. even the demons who duck behind books with bad titles and pull cat tails and faeries who only slow the bus down for chewing gum manage to get in on the action, making faces at my eight active eyes, teasing me with what to them is obvious: you can’t see them. Nyah nyah.

and then it’s all dish smashing sheet tugging art tearing confetti throwing paper burning lifemare, let it all fall away let it all fall apart, what exactly is there to be afraid of anymore? shouldn’t we be more afraid of death than love, shouldn’t we not be afraid of death at all when it operates as entry to where we’ve already been? why the fuck do we ruin our lives and wonder about curtains and fences when we could be all eyes and laughter and layers of scent? Why do you fear me most when I’m fenceless?

crying. door swinging technology tickle. fingers evolve to wires.

3AM. no one invited. everyone shows.

Merlin and Nimue

He says: Let me tell you about spending several hundred years drunk on the memory of your body intertwined with mine, drunk on a something that might have never happened – the fable has fooled me before. I’m more than one snake, I’m two, chasing the same tail and never coming close – just choking.

I say: You’re babbling. That’s the thing with you – always babbling.

And then he really gets going: Oh, this is nerve wracking. Can you feel my hunger crossing mountain ranges, crossing city roads with skid marks scarring dashed white lines, crossing daylight and night time and time zones and time changes, circling setting sun, circling, always circling? Can you feel me, lone crow in a murder of pairs, the one you almost don’t notice on the wire, wandering eye scanning for something or someone, can you feel my eye from the wire?

I say: Can you feel my eye roll, my exasperated sigh?

Then he says: Ha. I’m laughing. You could always get me laughing, but there’s no squeak to your sneak, and there’s no oak tree or tower or prison you’ve carved that can muzzle dark arts into rabbits and hats. Through the crack in the face of the full moon I come. Through the grey clouds that curtain your city I come. I arrive in August hailstones sliding through openings in clothes that leave people screaming “goddamn it!” I arrive like an airborn virus, drilling into your bones, leaving you weak and chicken soup starved, or perhaps on the hunt for something processed and vegan. I hear people are into that now.

Another eye roll: You arrived by bus.

This doesn’t slow him down: I’m glad you brought up the bus, because I was standing on the bus when the person to my right sat down and peed. It was a committed pants pissing, body toxic in an instant, air stinking of ammonia and humiliation. Someone said no fucking way and someone took a picture and someone said oh my god I’m getting off this bus and the driver said what the hell is going on back there? The man’s eyes were focused on a far away place no one can enter without trauma and toll. He kept looking at that place, digging in his pockets for change and map, and when the bus stopped he shouted back door and left, urine tracks haunting invisible snow. I got off too, stumbling on the last stair and the jolt reminded me of my own urine tracks, my own mission and time-honored tax. Autopilot pulled me after him, all the way to a taqueria where tacos hold meat and are cheap, and you were in the doorway and I looked for your eye handshake but instead pupil to pupil tripwired lost time and two ancient souls exchanged whispered oaths, and the truth: “This is no place for magicians.” We’re both drugged with faery blood and capable of colorful things that inform treasure hunts and tower falls and fairy tale shivering.

I clear my throat twice, then three times, and say: It’s good seeing you this lifetime. I’m sure we’re both lonely-busy, stuffing pamphlets in doorways, launching flame wars on blogs, going about the business of starting wars and making kings. But so you know that this loving isn’t occupied alone, I’ll swear my head only comes out of the water for you.

He grumbles: I’ll wear you like a hat. Press my body to your window until the window cracks and the glass scars my flesh and my blood coats your feet and floor. I’ll claw at your ankles and you’ll kick at my face, so I’ll dig my nails in till they brittle and break, then I’ll cry in this clotting crimson heap until the stench drives you mad and my whimpers disgust you, and still: I won’t go away. I’ll never go away, this obsession is timeless, there’s no curse you can cook to dissuade me. Just like then. Just like now. I’m smiling. I’m smiling.

I say: ever the charmer. You’re not one snake, you’re two.

moon

begging my brain to let you go and latch on to someone or something else, really this is ridiculous, clogging my own drains. Sick sticking memory of you and your old growth smell and your dance around yourself, this memory i color myself with, that i drape all over. in the dirty remains a single close-up of face and hands and their route, and i wonder if in a future-something i’ll still have that memory, buried in my unnamed insides to unearth whenever hormones and weather and a single fingernail of overhanging moon bring my selves just aligned.